For the last several years I have been frozen mentally. My brain was mush from years of medications at high doses to treat my illnesses. I was losing myself each day until I was almost gone. Then I said, no more. No freaking more. Letting go of perfection was now in motion. It was time to wean off the meds, accept the pain and do things differently.
Letting Go of Perfection
It took a few years to start feeling a little more like myself mentally. Like I am just now to the point where I was able to wrap my head around starting this site when this was something that in the past I did as a job. People paid me, my brain had just quit working that way. It isn’t perfect at all and I’ll be slowly relearning things. But, in order to get started, I had to work on letting go of perfection. The last few months that has been a huge project in my head. I am a perfectionist and I am not perfect. Which meant I was in a terrible cycle of not finishing the projects that I wanted too because they were never perfect in my head.
The biggest players in the downfall of my mind, besides the diseases, was the medications. Gabapentin being the one that killed my memories. I remember very little of my life. Empty holes everywhere. I couldn’t think, couldn’t figure out how to do the simplest tasks, couldn’t drive and I walked like I had been downing Mad Dog 20/20 all day long. Then I tried Lyrica and it ruined my vision. So now, I only take one anti-seizure medication and herbs. I have weaned off of everything else and while I am in a great amount of pain and have a lot of issues from my diseases, I can now think at a better level and I am regaining myself and the desire to actually live life. Even a painful life is ok, I just want to live and do awesome things.
I decided to start this blog because I needed a new start. A new place to talk about what I am doing, what I have tried and share things that may help others as well. I have tools that I use to help me and for a bit, I was afraid of the tools. Now I embrace them and am thankful for what I can accomplish.
We need to give ourselves grace because being chronically ill isn’t easy. Not being perfect is a huge one. Done and doing is better than being perfect and not accomplishing anything because of it.
I’m excited to get started again and share things from all aspects of our lives over here in small-town Texas. I’ll be doing more of the things that make me happy. I’ll also be trying new things that I have always thought of doing but never got around to. I’m also going to be sharing ways that I can make those things happen.
Steps I Have Taken
One thing that has improved my life tremendously was starting a bullet journal. I have been doing this for a few years now and it was the key thing that kept me going. I was able to work some, make goals and complete them and not forget things with my poor brain. Right now I am working on some layouts for my 2019 bullet journal. I have been drawing out trackers, goal sheets, and am adding anything and everything that I need to remember that my brain just can’t hang on to.
Another thing that has improved my life recently was taking up pen-paling again. Making friendships and connections away from social media. I always had pen pals as a kid and was so excited to learn that it was still a thing and there is actually a huge community for it. I have made a few friends and it really feels good to have friends. Beyond the sharing of a photo, a complaint or a meme. They share from the heart and that is what I really needed in my life right now.
This year I do want to work on in-person connections. I am at a point where I am missing that human interaction. Most of the people I called friends have moved on with life while I was held back by my life. I spent too much time in bed or on the couch in a drugged out haze of nothingness. Now I am planning things where I hope to meet real people that like to do some of the things I do. This also means letting go of perfection. It means still going out on days I need my cane, my walker or even my wheelchair. Or wearing comfy clothing that may look sloppy to others. Also not giving a crap if people see me without makeup because these days even the tiniest bit of makeup can result in anaphylaxis. This is my life.
I also have begun cleaning out my “friends” on social media. You know, the people that never ever interact with you unless you share something they disagree with. The ones that do not care how your day to day is, but they do care if it can be their social justice moment of the day. I am not going to be hiding at all. I am who I am and I am letting go of perfection. Take me or leave me. But I honestly do not need empty friendships. I need people who are real. We are all still figuring life out day by day and will continue to do so until the day we drop dead. My goal is not to be perfect, just to be happy and fulfilled.
I Am Not Perfect, But I Am Real
Some people can not stand that I ditched all of the pharmaceuticals and took a more natural route with my treatments. Some people can not stand that I won’t inject myself or my family with poisons. But here is the thing, they do not have to. Just like I don’t say you must do what I do, I deserve that same respect as well. I’ll do what is best for me and you do what is best for you and that is that. We can either be friends with different opinions or we can go our separate ways. Either way, I love my life. I am not perfect, but I am real.
I am so glad that you are here and hope you will take this journey with me and maybe we can help each other out. Let’s work on letting go of perfection together and work on living a life worth talking about!